Why routines help some children but not others

Routines are often presented as the answer to calmer days and easier evenings. For some children, they genuinely help. For others, routines can add pressure, resistance, or emotional overload. This article looks at why that difference exists and how to tell what works for your child.

TL;DR

Routines can be supportive for some children, but they are not a universal solution. It helps to understand what your child actually needs, rather than forcing a structure that does not fit:

• Some children feel safer with predictability, others feel trapped by it
• Routines work best when they support regulation, not control
• Flexibility is not failure, it is responsiveness
• A routine that increases stress is not doing its job
• Many children need a mix of structure and flexibility, depending on the time of day

This article is for / not for

This article is for:

• Parents who feel routines are making things harder, not easier
• Families who have tried routines without the promised calm
• Parents wanting a more flexible, child-led approach

This article is not for:

• Parents looking for a strict routine to follow step by step
• Situations where professional or clinical guidance is the primary need
• Families who already have routines that work well for everyone

Medical disclaimer

This article is not medical advice and does not diagnose any child. It offers general observations and lived experience to help parents reflect on what may or may not be helping in their own family.

If you have concerns about your child’s development, behaviour, or wellbeing, speak to your GP, health visitor, or another qualified professional.

If this isn’t quite right for you

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If this article feels relevant for you, read on.

Why routines are often recommended in the first place

Routines are usually suggested because they can reduce uncertainty. For some children, knowing what comes next lowers anxiety and makes transitions easier.

In those cases, routines can act like a gentle scaffold. They hold the day together without needing constant reminders or negotiations.

When routines work well

Some children genuinely benefit from predictability. Knowing what comes next can feel comforting, help them feel safe, and reduce the mental effort needed to move through the day.

For these children, routines can support regulation. They lower uncertainty, make transitions less jarring, and reduce the number of decisions they need to process. This can be especially helpful when a child already finds the world busy or overwhelming.

Routines tend to help children who:

• Find unpredictability unsettling
• Struggle with transitions
• Feel calmer when expectations are clear

For these children, routines are not about control. They are about safety and predictability.

When routines start to backfire

For other children, routines can feel restrictive or overwhelming.

We noticed that when a routine became something that had to be followed exactly, stress levels rose. Small deviations could trigger big reactions, not because the child was being difficult, but because the structure itself had become a source of pressure.

When a child feels their autonomy is being threatened by a clock or fixed expectation, their nervous system can flip into rejection mode. At that point, the routine itself becomes the problem. We also found that the more tightly we tried to enforce a routine, the more resistance we encountered.

A routine that creates tension, power struggles, or emotional shutdown is no longer supporting regulation.

Why one-size-fits-all advice falls short

A lot of routine advice assumes that structure automatically leads to calm.

In reality, children regulate in different ways. Some need external structure at certain points in the day, while others need more internal flexibility and room to adjust.

To complicate things further, many children need a mix of both. They may cope well with clear structure around things like mornings or school transitions, but need far more flexibility later in the day, or with routines that demand emotional or cognitive effort.

What can look like resistance is often a child communicating that the structure does not match their needs.

Keeping brief notes about routines you are trying can help you spot patterns over time. This makes it easier to decide whether a routine needs adjusting, softening, or letting go altogether.

What helped us rethink routines

One thing we noticed over time was that calmer days came not from tighter routines, but from fewer rigid expectations.

When we focused on rhythm instead of routine, things softened. There was still a flow to the day, but less pressure to follow it perfectly.

Rhythm instead of routine

Rhythm or flexible routine, means recognising patterns without enforcing exact timings.

For example, evenings still followed a familiar sequence, but the pace adjusted based on energy, mood, and what kind of day it had been. We found that flexible routines worked much better than fixed times or an exact order of steps.

This approach reduced battles without removing all structure.

How to tell what your child needs

It can help to observe what happens when routines are loosened slightly. Small changes, such as adjusting timings, reducing the number of steps, or allowing more choice, can reveal whether your child becomes calmer or more unsettled. This kind of gentle experimentation often gives clearer answers than sticking rigidly to a routine that isn’t working.

Ask yourself:

• Does flexibility lead to calm or chaos?
• Does structure reduce anxiety or increase it?
• Are meltdowns happening around transitions or expectations?

The answers often tell you more than any routine chart.

Further reading

If routines and structure are a challenge right now, these articles may also help:

• How to make school mornings easier without waking earlier
• Helping children manage big emotions without punishments

For broader guidance on child development and routines, UK charity Family Lives resource may be helpful:

• Family Lives parenting support

Closing thoughts

If routines work in your family, there is no need to change them.

If they do not, you are not doing anything wrong. Structure is meant to support children, not override them. Sometimes the most helpful change is letting go of the idea that routines should work for everyone.

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